So, what did I miss?
Let’s see…  Trump got shot.
Omg, he okay?
Yeah, bullet grazed his ear. 
Who did it?
20 yr old psycho leftist, killed on scene.
How did he get that close with a gun? 
Not sure yet.  Either galactic level DEI incompetence in Biden’s Secret Service, or it was an inside job.  So far, no one has been fired or even suspended.  The SS has been stonewalling questions from Congress.
Is there media outrage at the lack of information?
HAHAHAHAHA, no.  Trump was such a badass, and it gave him a huge lift, so the media and big tech have basically memory holed the entire thing. Nobody even mentions it anymore.
How’s Biden doing?
He was forced out by Obama and Pelosi in a soft coup.  A letter was released online suspending his campaign a couple of days after he said he wouldn’t quit.
Has the media asked him about it?
No, he’s been a ghost. Nobody even knows who’s running the country.   The media are busy pumping up Kamala.
Kamala?  Is she the nominee?  Did she win a primary vote?
No, she was appointed by Obama and George Clooney.
But Democrat voters picked Biden.  Aren’t they upset about being undermined like that? 
Don’t seem to be.
What does Kamala say about it?
Nothing, she hasn’t spoken to the press in 3 weeks, nor given any interviews.            She’s running a basement campaign?  She can’t be doing well in the polls then...
Actually, most polls have her winning nationally.
She must have quite the following...
Well, her super PACs are bribing social media influencers to endorse her. She needs popular musicians to perform at her rallies to get people to go, and her crowds are still much smaller than Trump’s.  I even saw some msm outlets like the NYT putting positive headlines about her in their own ads. 
What? Is that even legal?
Ha. No.
Does she have a running mate?
Tim Walz, Governor of MN.
Not sure I ever heard of him. Refresh my memory?
He’s the guy who let BLM rioters destroy  Minneapolis.  According to men who were in the National Guard with him, he has lied about his military record.  Oh, he also mandated tampons in boys’ bathrooms.
Oh right. Wait, while he did nothing to stop the riots, wasn’t Kamala helping to bail out rioters?
Yes, yes she did.
Did I miss anything else?  Oh, how were the Olympics?
Well, two genetically male boxers won gold medals in their respective weight classes.
So…?
They were fighting against women.
I’m ready to go back into my coma now.